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08 Jan 2009 |
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Tweet me!| It is no secret that the Yankees wish to continue their monopolization of baseball as evidenced by the offseason where the damned Yankees have already committed more than double the money -- in the next eight years -- than Milwaukee Brewers' owner Mark Attanasio paid for his whole team in 2005. Even Yankee fans see the ridiculousness of this economic domination that has the potential to destroy all of Major League Baseball. But, just in case they don't, I've decided to devote a column to show the Yankee-fans' jaded minds just what life would be like if the Yankees held this kind of economic domination outside of baseball. In this installment, we start by looking at how some well-known, "feel-good" movies wouldn't be so "feel-good" if the Yankees were involved.  Charlie And The Chocolate FactoryCharlie is a kid from an extremely poor family, but he is not without hope. A local chocolatier has announced that he will be giving out candy bars with golden tickets, where the winner will win lifetime, free chocolate, an interest in the chocolate factory, and all the hope (and riches) that you could imagine. Then the Yankees rolled in and bought all of the available chocolate bars on the market, netting the Yankees all five golden tickets and, thereafter, the entire Wonka franchise -- besting even Veruca Salt. In desperation, Charlie's mama started whoring herself out to French tourists, Charlie's papa served as her pimp, and Charlie's grandparents died a bitter, painful death from bed sores. Charlie, himself, was sold for $59.45 by his parents to a Vietnamese grocer, who butchered little Charlie and sold him at the market as dog meat. It's a Wonderful Life George Bailey is at a crossroads in his life. The loan company that he owns has just lost the lions' share of their assets. Mean old Mr. Potter, it seems, accidentally got ahold of the lot of these assets, but secretly kept them for himself in hopes that Bailey and Loan would go out of business. Bailey, down on his luck and desperate, decides to jump off a bridge so his family can collect on his life insurance. Just before, an Angel-second-class named Clarence gets assigned the job of helping Bailey see that his life is worth living. Clarence is excited for a chance to earn his wings. Then the Yankees rolled in, signed the entire legion of Angels in heaven to exclusive contracts and purchased an exclusive license from God Almighty for a moratorium on all new angel wings. In anger, Clarence watched George Bailey jump into the cold waters of Bedford Falls, and then Clarence jumped in and held Bailey's head under the water until he was fully and completely dead. Worse, unbeknownst to Bailey, months earlier the Yankees had obtained a monopoly on the life insurance business making all other life insurance companies bankrupt. So, when Mary Bailey, George's wife, went to collect on the policy, the doors of Bedford Falls Life Insurance were shut, and poor Mary spent the rest of her short life as a bitter and cold, lesbian stripper. E.T. An extraterrestrial (E.T.) from outer space crash lands on earth, but all is not lost as he befriends a cute, little ten-year old named Elliott. Elliott attempts to help E.T. get back home by assisting in the creation of a "space phone" that would alert E.T.'s planet that he lived through the crash. Then the Yankees rolled in, and in an effort to stop competition of their non-electronic "Write and Spell" learning tablets, burned the factory that was making the first batch of "Speak and Spell" machines. As a result, all toy stores were without "Speak and Spell" machines, and there was no equipment available for E.T. to phone home. So, without a rescue from his planet, E.T. soon turned a pale white, died, and notwithstanding Elliott's pitiful crying over E.T.'s lifeless body, that lifeless body remained lifeless. And, Elliott, blinded by his tears for his lost friend, started his bicycle towards home. Unfortunately, Elliott didn't see the semi-truck that soon slammed into him head on. They say that the bicycle seat was the only survivor of the accident. Charlotte's Web Eight-year old Fern falls in love with a young runt of a piglet that she names Wilbur. At the last minute, she saves Wilbur from certain death by promising her farmer father that she will feed and take care of Wilbur because Wilbur's own pig mother would not.  Fern does an amazing job. With the help of Fern and a crafty spider, Charlotte, Wilbur grows big and fat and becomes a splendid, very large pig that brings much attention to the farm, and grows the farm into a thriving business. Alas, as spiders don't live forever, Charlotte entrusts her egg pouch filled with future Charlottes to Wilbur, who places the egg pouch in his mouth to find a safe place to put it. Then the Yankees rolled in, and because the farm was thriving, purchased the farm for a price that the farmer couldn't resist, including the prize pig, Wilbur. It seems that the Yankees had a signed deal with a competing farmer who offered the Yankees a substantial sum for Wilbur's head. So, as the axe came down on Wilbur's head that carried the pouch of future Charlottes, Wilbur's teeth gnashed against the pouch, crushing and killing the lot of spider babies. The Yankees gave Wilbur's head to the competing farmer and collected their dough. Charlotte's heirs were destroyed. Later that night, in a fit of anger, Fern snuck into her farmer father's room in the middle of the night and did to her farmer father what the Yankees did to poor Wilbur. Poor Fern spent the remainder of her days in an asylum for the criminally insane. Have some movie synopsis ideas of your own? Post them for all to see, and I might mention you in the next "Then the Yankees rolled in" column. Trackback(0)
Comments (8)
  written by RobReed, January 08, 2009
nice job... couldn't go with this film, as I wouldn't be able to think of anything but how pretty Liv Tyler is in this movie...
so, my result, would have probably been how the Yankees induced Liv to cohabitate with me //not funny... just downright nausea-inducing for everyone but myself
written by RobReed, January 08, 2009
But, I would've gone more sinister and sad. An obvious choice that I missed, so good pick, Jim.
My version adds something like: The Steinbrenners are ticked because they are losing money to Ray's Field of Dreams. So, they dangle money to entice Shoeless Joe and crew, which was so incredibly enticing that the players forgot the rule about crossing the line. Just as the best players cross the line, Hank Steinbrenner puts the big wads of cash in a Brinks truck hidden behind a tree, as he giggles gleefully at the old men who now stumble back to the cornfield, with faces stuck to the ground... for they now realize that they will never play again. //Oh, makes me sad just to imagine this ending. Might be why I subconsciously didn't go there... 
written by JimCap, January 08, 2009
Ray turns his Iowa cornfield into a baseball field after hearing the voice telling him to "Build It and They Will Come". So Ray risks his home and his family's financial security to do so.
And then the players arrive out of the cornfield. And they're terrific. They include some all-time greats. And people begin to come and see the games. All is going well. Ray's impossible dream is realized. Then, the Steinbrenners arrive in Iowa; with CASH-MAN. They announce that they plan to sign every one of the top players---those with the most talent who are just entering their absolute prime---and they make sure that no other teams can get near them. Then they brag about how "great" they are and how no one can compete with the "Dynasty" of the NYY! As a result, all the good players leave for NY, people stop coming to the games in small town Iowa, the field has to close, and the banks foreclose on Ray's house. His wife divorces him and takes their daughter, Karen after they're forced to file for personal bankruptcy. The End. Oh, and the NYY once again regain their "Entitlement" to a yearly playoff spot.
written by ChuckAnderson, January 08, 2009
Empire Records:
The likable band of misfit kids save their independent music store from a takeover by Music Town with a rousing rooftop concert. Corey & AJ, Joe & Jane find happiness together Then the Yankees rolled in, fresh investors in the Music Town empire, buy up the property Empire Records sits on, demolishes it in the dead of night and builds a state of the art Music Town. Joe is unemployed and drinks himself to death Jane leaves him to manage Vanilla Ice AJ can't make payments for art school, becomes a starving artist Corey, wracked with guilt hits speed harder and harder, works her way up to cocaine before ODing Deb slashes her wrists Gina works the street corners "Warren Beatty" gets himself locked up in juvie Lucas is arrested for attempted arson at the new Music Town Rex Manning's career makes a stunning turnaround when his next album is sold exclusively through Music Town and they throw an immense marketing campaign behind it
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they would've stole the time machine... hank steinbrenner would have gotten the Cliffs Notes for all of Plato's works...
then, history would be automatically changed such that Platonian philosophy would be referred as Hankonian. And Platonic love would be referred to as "Hank-y Pank-y" (i.e., there would be no platonic love).